Happy Jab Day!
As the famous Welsh nationalist rebel Ewen MacGregor yelled while simultaneously losing his guts - "FREEDOM!" - today, after 52 years of living and one dose of threat at THE VIRUS I finally received the call: IT IS JAB DAY!
I got to thinking while chewing through a Pot Noodle - I really don't know what they are injecting into me! Do you get that slight ironic statement? I hope so...
SO the day comes and off I go to have my jab at The LED Exmouth Tennis and Fitness Centre in Exmouth Devon but what to expect?
First of all - excellent! I mean seriously very good. You get in, get a piece of paper telling you what's in it and side effects so on, so forth, join a zig-zag queue which marches forward with speed and ease retaining the now statutory 2 metre demarcation until the get to the end. Jumper off, bend over... JAB! Actually you don't really bend over as it's in your arm. 15 minutes later you're out again BOOM!
But what about these ingredients?
Well first and foremost it is salt free - there's a tiny amount of sodium so that's handy but then there's alcohol too! Sadly not enough to have fun with but it's nice to know you can actually inject alcohol directly into your blood stream - that's handy!
As for the rest of it - God alone knows but let's face it almost all food we eat has something in it anyway so I see little odds in wondering if this has anything nasty in it.
Anti-Vaxers Take Note
The very air you breath could easily contain more harm than this and common sense dictates that if you wipe out civilisation well, why?
Anyway, all that aside let's look at the possible side effects and subsequent benefits of each one.
Tenderness, ache, swelling etc where the jab was given
OK common sense that. Unless you're an avid junky or a teacher you'll not be used to little pricks so makes sense there's gonna be some aching going on there!
Generally feeling unwell
This will score you a good day off work! No one wants your moaning and groaning all day and with this beauty - you got yourself a cast iron alibi!
Low scoring on the benefit scale unless you're on benefits or a student in which case - seriously - how would you know?
Chills or feeling feverish
As with generally feeling unwell accept the added bonus of the 1970's Harmony Hairspray - Is she or isn't she... infected by Covid? This will get you maybe two days off easily but played right could get you isolated for two weeks. If you plan to use it - get yourself Netflix or some other subscription film service and move the coffee table closer to your sofa.
Well since March last year almost the entire nation has been waking up with a headache anyway so we can bypass this one and put it down, again, to another helping of Mother's Ruin.
Yeah sick of work - see above for avoiding this symptom!
Joint pain or muscle pain
As with headaches what you probably actually have is the dehydrating effects of being pissed the night before so before worrying it's a vaccine side effect and having the Anti-Vax brigade foaming at the mouth - where you consuming of the Devil's nectar last night?
A lump at the injection site
Look - someone has stuck a needle in your arm! Makes perfect sense to get a war wound don't you think?
Same with the chills, they're multiplying and I'm losing control - of work ethics... this gem will net you some quality, if isolated, time off work!
This one is a worry because after a year of one lockdown after the other you'll have stopped vomiting after a skinful the night before so check other likely causes before over stimulating our Anti-Vax friends. For example: are you pregnant? Remember that most of us have been isolated with our partners and well, things do happen! Failing that you ought to check you've not slowed your wine consumption down too fast and your liver is rejecting your body.
Flu like symptoms
As with fever and other Covid like symptoms above - one for the work shy and great gains for the lazy arses among us. Use sparingly!
You're probably still pissed.
Now THIS is a big one! Everyone knows that with lockdown comes constant visits to the fridge so if you're losing your appetite it's time to panic! Anything under 20,000 calories per day and you are in serious danger of losing your financial investment you began making last March at the start of Lockdown ONE... in fact it's so important - I will make it RED!
Don't worry - ulcers - happens with increased alcohol consumption. Nothing to worry about! Well there probably is so best get that checked. Also worth noting if you have just consumed 20,000 calories it's likely to be indigestion anyway so reach for the Andrews and pop a nice magazine in the bog for later - enjoy!
Enlarged Lymph nodes
Eh? As a good friend once quoted about Frankenstein - "Those are NOT bolts they are ELECTRODES!" - if you find one: let us know.
Excessive sweating, itchy skin or rash
The list notes these symptoms as rare but to be safe we suggest investing in a quality soap and a set of boxing gloves.
So there in concludes "What should I expect after I have the Covid vaccine".
There's a tonne of crap posted in social media some of which gets people properly worried and it's mostly all utter tosh! Anyone who ever took a drive in the country can confirm: what is being sprayed on our crops ain't antiseptic!
Stay safe, abide by the rules, use common sense and be happy because after all - lockdown means no one can judge you by the amount of empty cans and beers bottles in your rubbish...
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