French pirates invade Guernsey

French invasion of GuernseyThey're at it again! The French - well known for kicking off, squashing apples and starting scraps they can't finish - are now blockading the British Imperial port of Guernsey over the most tranquil of sports... fishing!

Far from that most relaxing of past times where fully grown adult men sit on a small chair staring aimlessly into the water for hours on end hoping to telepathically persuade a fish to bight their worm the current situation is indeed fraught with the possibility of a Third World War.

The French started a punch up with England in 1066 when when a chap named Norman decided to settle in Hastings. Now - I have been to Hastings. It's nice but I wouldn't fight over it.

Hundred Years War

British troops defend GuernseyHowever, in 1337 the English decided enough was enough and kicked off against the French in what became known as the Hundred Years War. Since their defeat in 1453 the French have become obsessed with the occasional punch up with the British. Usually over where to park lorries by blockading ports through to squashing apples for some reason and disrupting the entire world by banning aircraft from it's air space - an airspace we gave them after kicking Mr Hitler out of their country in 1945!

Amazingly the French have managed to gather a small fleet to invade the tiny British Colony of Guernsey. This feat alone says something about the French's ability to spark up and kick off for the smallest of reasons because anyone who's been to France will know that they all sleep during the day only coming alive at night to drink wine and eat snails.

Henry VIII had a bust up with the French over some bird a while ago but today's punch up comes after the French demanded the right to suck up all the fish out of the English Channel.

Our English Channel - not French Channel

Now, the English Channel is thus named because we own it. It's not called the French Channel - English Channel! We own it and therefore all this fish in it. So far they've sent their entire fleet to defend their fishermen who have invaded Guernsey reminiscent of the Viking invasion of Britain a few years earlier. 

The French fishermen have pillaged the port and now want to pillage the English Channel too! The Royal Navy have sent its only vessel, a small two man row boat, the defend its people and the whole situation has escalated.

Guernsey in early Ice Age

The French have now decided that if they DO NOT get their own way they'll simply switch off the power to the island plunging Guernsey into an early Ice Age. 

Guernsey gets all its electricity from France via a giant extension lead plugged into a house in Normandy. The French have said if they cannot go fishing in our English Channel they will simply unplug Guernsey.

Lessons from History

Those notorious French folk have been kicking off for hundreds of years but went discreetly quiet in 1940 when the troublesome Germans turned up and decided France would be better being German. The British lent them a helping hand in what became known as World War II and successfully removed Adolf and his merry men from France. 80 years later the French seemed to have forgotten that fact and decided now that it wants all of our fish.

While we've been squabbling with the French the entire Norwegian, Russian & Japanese factor ship armada has sucked the sea void of any life anyway so it's all a bit of a shambles.

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